And I find myself back at you…
by Jaded Angel
Summary: Another J/H... I should take a break from them. It's Post CD... it's just a happy ending little fic. :) FYI I'll update L2LU in like a week... I promise :) 2 chapters :). Ok, so R&R Hope you enjoy


_Disclaimer:_ I don't own anything… well… anything that Belongs to That 70's Show and whoever else :) I do own the little… stanza things… the "poem." That's my original thing. I don't know why I added it. I need like a scene splitter. If u don't like it, well :P

_Author's Notes_:  Ok, so I wrote _ANOTHER J/H. Sue me. I just needed an outlet. I'm thinking of writing a D/E…. harder then it seems…. Or maybe E/J….IDK! If you have any ideas… your more then welcome to give me your opinion :) Ok, so… it's just this little thing, post Celebration Day… Hyde&Jackie… I'm a dedicated fan girl… what do you expect. The poem is an original… it's kind of like… they're thinking it… I don't know. Just… read and review :) Hope you enjoy!_

And I find myself back at you…

**Take me in your arms,**

**Hold me like you should.**

**Would you love me if I were different?**

**Just a little out of sorts.******

**Tell me, can you live without me?**

I laid on Donna's bed. She had a very comfortable bed. And I'm ecstatic that she told me I could keep it. With Bob and Joanne graciously telling me I could stay here for the remainder of high school, I was happy Donna was letting me have her room and her bed. Though I had redecorated the room slightly.

I stared at the ceiling. I had decided to stay in Point Place after visiting my mom for a week. She had NO intention of returning. And it didn't look like my dad was getting out of prison any time soon. So I decided to just come back and stay in Point Place.

Eric and Donna had moved into their apartment. All they do is fight. I see Fez the most because he comes by everyday to hang out, him and Laurie are doing ok, but he doesn't like hanging out at the Foreman house. Michael had so far dated every other girl that walked into the Hub. He didn't really care about me anymore. Which I was fine with. Red and Kitty were good, other then everyone at the Foreman was on a strict diet. And Steven…

I don't know. I hadn't seen him or talked to him since graduation day. We were avoiding each other. I refused to go to the hotel or the basement. He went out of his way not to come near Donna's house. It was good… for a little while. I got to think.

About him.

Every other thought revolved around him. His eyes, his smile, his face, his body, his hair, just everything about him conquered my thoughts. I had dreams about him, every night, since "it" had happened. Everything revolved around him. 

Yes, I missed him, I wanted to be in his arms, I wanted to snuggle with him, and I wanted to kiss him. 

I. Wanted. Him.

I wanted him so badly. But it was my choice. It was my decision. I left; I couldn't go crawling back to him. I'm the _captain_ of the cheerleading team. Cheerleaders don't crawl back to guys.

Even if it's the guy we give the world to see again.

_Kiss me like I never left._

_I'll take you in my arms,_

_As if you never lied._

_I'd give the world to hold you._

_Tell me, do you love me?_

She _haunted_ my thoughts. 

I laid on my little cot, thinking about the summer, and she came to my mind again. She just wouldn't get out of my head. I was having nightmares. She posses my inner most thoughts.

She _is_ my inner most thoughts.

It was all about her. And how I hurt her, how I screwed it all up. She had every right to run away. And I _know_ she had every right. That doesn't mean I have to like it. And that doesn't mean I have to _move on_. Cause I don't have to move on. I can easily just sit and do _nothing_ and think about how she was/is _everything_ to me.

And no one gets that. 

Foreman has Donna, and even though living together seems to be an issue, they _aren't_ alone. Fez has Laurie, and even though the basis of their marriage is sex and pity. They _aren't_ alone. Kelso…. well… Kelso has himself, and he loves himself more then anything. So… technically Kelso isn't, and never will be, alone. As sad as that is…

But I _am_ alone. I'm in a house, where _no one _is home. And you know what? Instead of drinking or getting high, I'm in my room thinking, is _she_ alone? Do I know if she's alone? No, I don't. But I don't know if she's _not_ alone either. 

What I would give to see her, to hear her laugh, hell, to hear her talk. Anything! But what would we say? 

-Oh hey, how's choosing yourself going? -

-Oh, good, good. How's sleeping with slutty nurses going? -

We both hurt each other. Mine was worse then her's. But still. 

I wanted to see her! Dammit! 

I'm not suppose to _feel_ like this! I'm not suppose to _talk_ like this. I'm not suppose to wishing she was next to me. I'm _not_ suppose to _care_. 

But I _do_!

And I like caring. I like thinking about her. I like having all these weird emotions. It's what keeps me going, man. 

She's annoying, spoiled, bratty, shallow, and conceited. And…

I love her for it _all_.

And dammit, I'm Zen!

But not when it comes to her. Never when it comes to her.

Because, it's all so far from her.

**I love it when you talk,**

**Whisper sweet nothings in my ear.******

**I can handle when you cry,**

**Never when you frown.**

**So tell me, can you still smile?**

I hated it when he would give me that look. It was just this weird look, as if he was willing himself to trust me. When I told him I loved him, he gave me that look. When I told him I'd stay away from Michael. He gave me that look. When I said I was choosing myself, he gave me that look.

I _hated_ that look.

Yet, I couldn't hate him. I tried. I tried so hard. I _wanted_ to hate him. I wanted him to suffer. But, I just couldn't hate him. And I really _didn't_ want him to suffer.

He was my opposite. The negative side of the magnetic. And I thought we should repel. 

But positive and negative sides of a magnetic attract… and stick like glue.

So? Should we be together right now? I guess so… I _hope_ so.

Because…

He never expects me to be my "perfect" little self. He much rather have the imperfect me.

And no one ever wants me to be myself.

_My_ imperfect little _self_.

_You know I still love you, _

_How could you forget I'll always miss you?_

_I wish I didn't have such pride._

_So I'm sorry if I'm being bold._

_Tell me, do you wish I was myself?_

Dude, she is like an angel… an imperfect, annoying, shallow little angel.

She's _my_ angel though. At some level she's been _mine_ since our _first_ date. Where we felt "nothing."

She is the only one who sees through it _all_. Every wall, every door, she sees past it all, and right into me. She _knew_ how I was feeling. And it _scared_ me.

No one could ever get past my walls. At some point I couldn't get past my walls. But she did. She got past them. And I pushed her away and built them up again.

_I_ was the idiot. _I_ was the dumbass. _I_ was the one who deserved the pain and the hurt.

So why did it hurt me so much?

I knew I had it coming; I _deserve_ the pain. But it's not suppose to bother me. I'm not suppose to _care_. And I do. 

She made me care. Because she cared.

Jesus, I miss her. I wish I could just hold her. I wish I could just feel her in my arms, and know there's still something there. I wish I could hide behind my walls.

But then again, I wish she could come and push them down again.

**You're the one who could do it all.**

**And nothing could compare to you.**

**So why is it that we're not together?**

**Why am I sleeping alone tonight?**

**Tell me, are you still strong?**

The ceiling is so… white. It's like not even white. It's an off white. But… it's so white.

He loved snow. Snow is white. He loved going out and having snow ball fights, and making snowmen to scare Michael. He always had this grin on when he played in the snow. It was such a nice grin. He only grinned like that when he was doing something that made him happy. 

He grinned at me, like that, one time. We were just sitting, and talking. Nothing more. And I said something, I can't remember what, but I said something and all of a sudden, he looked at me. Really looked at me. And grinned. 

And I smiled. Because I knew he was really happy. And he was happy with me. I would give the world to see him grin.

I'd give anything to see him again. 

I looked out from the window. I could see the Foreman house perfectly. I looked towards the ground and saw a little light spilling from the basement air window. And I smiled. 

Was he thinking of me, like I was thinking of him? Probably not. 

But what if… he did think of me. And what if he felt alone and he was wishing I was with him. 

Yeah…right.

…

Screw it.

I jumped off the bed and ran out of the room.

_It's getting kind of cold,_

_And I've run out of excuse once again._

_I'm feeling just a little out of control._

_And I'm hoping you feel the same._

_Tell me, can you still see the silver lining?_

I was now leaning against the wall, still sitting on my cot. The ceiling had nearly bored me to death. And the wall wasn't much better. But it was something new to look at. I turned my head slightly and looked at the small Mirror against my back wall. 

She asked if she could bring a small mirror in so she could fix herself up.

I said no.

Guys don't have mirrors in there room. Except Kelso. But that's because he's man pretty. But I remember that look she had on her face. It was only there for a spilt second. Before she smiled slightly and nodded.

She never asked again. But I never forgot that look. It was a cross between upset and fragile. I was a little pissed, because it was a damn mirror. But it wasn't because of the mirror. It was because I had said no, and told her that mirrors lie to people.

Mirrors don't lie to people. 

They tell them the truth. Mirrors are the most truthful things in the world. And that's why I didn't want one. But I remembered the look. So one day, she came in my room. And there the mirror was. On the back wall. And she smiled. A real smile. 

Man, I _hated_ those smiles. 

Those smiles saw past my high walls and closed doors. She _herself_ saw through it all. But those smiles, gave it all away. And I'm happier pretending I didn't know, she could see through me.

So now what? I should have taken it down weeks ago. But I could still remember how she fixed her hair and look at me through the mirror and smile at me. A _real_ smile.

I looked at the mirror. And I saw a depressed, idiot, with a bad case of the regrets. Looking pathetically at a shiny thing. I saw a person who wasn't suppose to care. But did.

I saw me.

**I thought I might call you. **

**Just to hear your voice, **

**But the mirror by the phone suggested not too.**

**Cause I wouldn't be able to let you go.**

**Tell me, can you see yourself without me now?**

I opened the basement door. It was all so quiet. I looked at the basement. I hadn't been here in about three weeks. It seemed different. Like, empty.

Everyone had a busy schedule to deal with. And others needed to avoid this place. Like, I had to avoid this place.

I walked in and walked towards the couch. Everything looked untouched, unused. And it was wrong. It was our basement. It was where we grew up. It _had_ been a long strange trip in Foreman's basement. The basement was partially all of us.

So why did it feel strange to be in here?

I heard a noise from the back room. I turned my head and walked over there quietly. I peaked in and saw him. Staring at the ceiling. Lying on his cot, with his hands behind his head and his one knee up. 

He looked so relaxed, so calm. 

I opened the door. And stood there. He was unaware of my presence. Until the doorknob hit the wall slightly. And he jumped up to see that I was there. And he stared at me. With this amazement and wonderment. 

And I stared back at him. And I didn't have a clue what my expression was.

_Pardon me; is there enough room here?_

_Does that bed fit two?_

_I'm sorry to barge in. _

_But I was feeling lonely._

_Tell me, are you happy to see me now?_

She was in my room.

I was staring at her. She was in a jeans and a tank top. Her hair flowed behind her. And she just stood there. Like a deer in the headlights.

I wanted to grab her and never let go.

I wanted her to say something. Anything. I wanted this to be real. But it was real. She was standing in my doorway. Looking at me. 

"Um… hi." I heard myself say.

"Hey." She waved slightly and then looked towards the wall.

"Did… you… um… need anything?" I stuttered out. Jesus I'm sounding like Foreman.

"No, I just… came." She said. She looked half confused and half relieved.

"Oh. Coming is good." I must sound like a moron.

"Um… coming is very good." She nodded.

"Oh well…" I stopped upon seeing her look. It was the same look. A cross between upset and fragile.

"Steven…" She said quietly.

"Uh huh." I couldn't manage real words.

"I love you."

**I want a minute, just a second of your time.**

**Let be pretend you're only mine.**

**Don't forget I helped make you,**

**Don't forget I love you.**

**Tell me, can you smile through all the frowns?**

I didn't even realize I had said it. It just came out. _I love you_. Who randomly says that? I wasn't suppose to come here and say I love you. That was not what I came here for. Hell I don't _know_ why I came here. It wasn't to say I love you, though.

"You what?" He asked confused.

"I… um… miss you?" I stuttered out. I sounded like Eric. Jesus.

"You love me?" Why do people ask "what" when they _know_ what you said?

"Um… yes…" I nodded.

"Jackie… I…" And he stopped. And he stared at me. And it was the longest thirty seconds of my life. But he didn't continue he came up and took me in his arms. And I didn't push him away. 

I welcomed the arms.

_Nothing can define us._

_And when people ask, we laugh._

_Because nothing ever matters._

_And when I'm in your arms, it's all better._

_Tell me, will you kiss me now?_

I could smell the scent of strawberries and cream from her hair. I could smell the dab of "Go-go Girls" perfume on her. And I felt complete with her in my arms. I never wanted to let her go. 

Hell, I _wasn't_ letting her go.

"Steven." I heard her mumble from my shirt.

"What?" I asked softly.

"You still slept with someone else." She still had her arms wrapped around me, and wasn't letting go. So I didn't let go either.

"You still chose yourself over me." I smirked.

"You deserved it." I heard the playfulness in her voice.

This is why I love her.

"Jacks…" I said. She nodded her head against my shirt. "I'm so sorry. And… I love you too."

She pulled her head away from me and just stared at me. She broke out in one of those smiles. A _real_ smile

God… I _love_ those smiles.

**Look at that dress, beautiful as always.**

**Do you think we're together?**

**Or am I fighting this alone?**

**Please don't look at me like that, I love those sexy smiles.**

**Tell me, will you forgive me?**

He said he loved me. It was the second time he had ever told me. And I smiled. And he looked happy and relieved.

Man, he was sexy. And he still had those strong arms. 

At this point, I know I can't live without him. Because he's Steven. He's the negative on the magnetic. And I'm Jackie; I'm the positive.

We attract.

I leaned up and just kissed him. And suddenly I didn't care what he had done, or what he might do. I cared about here and now.

I cared about those lips, and those eyes.

_The man on the moon cried with me,_

_But still, he can't compare._

_And I'm thinking of the past and present,_

_And how I know you'll always be there._

_Tell me, are you happy now?_

Vanilla. My favorite.

I hadn't tasted vanilla in weeks. And I don't think I could go without it for much longer. Vanilla was the perfect drug.

Especially when she wore it. She was my perfect drug. She gave me my _ultimate_ highs and lows.

And right now I was definitely at an all time high.

God is she something else. She's gorgeous. And I love her more then anything

I wish we could stay like this forever. I give anything to have her stay in my arms until the day I died. I just want to feel her, to touch her. I never want to let go. And there I go… sounding like Foreman. No Zen ways. 

And I don't care.

**Come and stay in bed with me,**

**We'll stay in each other arms, till tomorrow.**

**I don't care if we get caught.**

**What are they going to do, tell us it's wrong?**

**Tell me, don't you feel right?**

We snuggled on his bed. I felt so comfortable, warm and safe in his arms. And who cared if Red or Kitty saw us. They can yell and scream, and freak out. I _know_ this isn't wrong. I _know_ I love him more then anything.

"Do you want to me to take you home?" I heard him whisper.

"No." I heard myself say. It was all too surreal for me. I was so far away.

"Do you want to go to sleep?"

"No."

"Are you going to stare at the wall all night?" I could here the sleep in his voice.

"No." I said softly.

"What are you going to do?" 

I rolled over and looked at him. His eyes were just slightly opened.

"Stare at you."

"Ok." He yawned. "I haven't slept in days."

"Me neither." I smiled. He kissed me softly and then closed his eyes.

I heard his breath become rhythmic. And I stared at him. I put my hand in his hair and his felt it between my fingers. He looked so peaceful. So perfect. 

I snuggled into him. And his arms moved instinctively around me. But I knew he was asleep.

All my life I wanted the man of my dreams to be sleeping next to me. And that's what Steven was, the man of my dreams.

He was my hero…

And my villain. He's my wrong and my right. He's the best thing that ever happened to me, and he can do the worst to me. 

But he's mine.

And I _wouldn't_ have it any other way.

_So tell me that you love._

_That you'll never leave again._

_And I'll tell you that I'm sorry._

_This will be our new beginning_

_One day, we'll get the fairy tale end._


End file.
